R.A.M.

The R.A.M. (Relationship Attachment Model), developed by John Van Epp, presents 5 main ways that people bond with one another. I wish I had been taught this 10 years ago! It definitely would have helped my relationships be a little healthier. Better late than never though, right? Its how these specific bonding experiences interrelate that was particularly interesting to me, but for starters, here are the 5 ways we bond (you can take inventory of how well "bonded" you are to the people you care about by answering the questions):

1) KNOW: How much do you know about each other's traditions, personalities, families, interests, and beliefs?

2) TRUST: How comfortable are you sharing personal information and secrets with one another?

3) RELY: Are you comfortable testing out that trust? Can you rely on that person to help you and take care of things for you (i.e. your beloved gold fish, an errand you forgot to run, a responsibility you need help with)?

4) COMMIT: Do you feel dedicated to the relationship (on any level)? Or is a little turbulence in your relationship going to send it tumbling?  

5) TOUCH: Touch (anything from holding hands to nursing a baby) creates feelings of attachment. Do you "touch" in meaningful, appropriate ways that match your commitment to the relationship? 

Touch creates powerful feelings of attachment and is intentionally last on the list. It should be a physical demonstration of how well you know, trust, rely on, and are committed to a person. This is why this physical affection, when jumped straight into without the previous 4 steps, results in shallow, unstable relationships. In fact, Van Epp suggests that everything starts with knowing someone and then trickles down from there: 

 This representation means:

1. Never trust someone more than you know them
2. Never rely on someone more than you trust them
3. Never commit to someone more than you can rely on them
4. Never touch someone more than you're committed to them

This seems so obvious after it was spelled out for me! But I'm definitely guilty of not balancing these things properly. In fact, many relationships (at least the ones that are DOOMED TO FAIL!!!... ha just kidding. but maybe?) skip straight to the last step because touching makes them feel like they know and are attached to a person. It creates a false sense of commitment (usually in the girl because of a wonderful chemical called oxytocin) built on a sandy or non-existent foundation. It never works out!!!

Moral of the story: KNOW, TRUST, RELY, COMMIT, and then TOUCH if you want a strong, healthy, satisfying relationship like this wonderful couple on the Beallair Community website (which looks wonderful, by the way, if you're looking for a large, expensive home in Washington D.C.).

"We can all agree that kids are better off when they are in Scouting . . ."

This statement has been repeated several times through press conferences, interviews, and official statements by the Boy Scouts of America. Many are agreeing. Many are disagreeing. 

In case you're not sure what I'm referring to . . . On Thursday, May 23rd, 2013, the Boy Scouts of America National Counsel took in roughly 1400 votes concerning their policy about youth who are openly gay. Regardless of their sexual orientation, all youth will now be able to participate in the program. The decision will be officially implemented January 2014. Their policy on leaders remains the same. (The LA Times provided a nice, brief summary) 

I find myself conflicted in how to react to this change in policy. Scouting is a wonderful program that has changed thousands, even millions of lives. My dad has proudly participated in the program for most of his life from youth to leader. Though, as a girl, I've never been a boy scout (weird, right?), I've seen the good that it has done for my father and the young men that I know. It is an invaluable program. Many are questioning what BSA stands for now, though. 

Does this change in policy fundamentally change what Scouting is? What it stands for? Have they really bent their principles and "marred their image" as some have suggested? I'm not sure. It depends on who you talk to. So... I started researching. My research is based on a variety of sources that I found reliable and helpful, but I am genuinely interested in your sources and opinions. I think that this policy change is a historical event that we should take interest in whether or not we are involved with Scouting. It is based on an issue that is causing conflict in families and, thus, society. Please feel free to share your thoughts. Respectfully, por favor. 

Here are some of the things I've taken into account and questions I've asked: 

A Los Angeles Times article quoted two men opposed to the change, saying:

"Frank Page, president of the Southern Baptist Convention Executive Committee, issued a statement: 'We are deeply saddened that the voting delegates of the Boy Scouts of America overturned their constitutionally protected expressive message that homosexual behavior is incompatible with the principles enshrined in the Scout Oath and Scout Law. ... Our sadness for the Scouting organization as a whole cannot be overstated.'"

"Jonathan Saenz, president of the Austin-based conservative advocacy group Texas Values, which organized a protest outside the annual meeting, called the vote a 'tragic decision' that showed the Boy Scouts had “chosen to place sex and politics above its timeless principles.'"

Was this an alteration of the principles Scouting was founded on? Has it compromised the morality of the program?

To read the full statement from the Boy Scouts of America, visit their webite, but this is a portion of it:

 "The Boy Scouts of America will not sacrifice its mission, or the youth served by the movement, by allowing the organization to be consumed by a single, divisive, and unresolved societal issue. As the National Executive Committee just completed a lengthy review process, there are no plans for further review on this matter."While people have different opinions about this policy, we can all agree that kids are better off when they are in Scouting. Going forward, our Scouting family will continue to focus on reaching and serving youth in order to help them grow into good, strong citizens. America's youth need Scouting, and by focusing on the goals that unite us, we can continue to accomplish incredible things for young people and the communities we serve."

CNN quoted the 103-year old organization saying, 

"The resolution also reinforces that Scouting is a youth program, and any sexual conduct, whether heterosexual or homosexual, by youth of Scouting age is contrary to the virtues of Scouting,"

Matthew 22:37-40 says:

“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, this is the first and great commandment.
“And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” [Matthew 22:37–40.]

How do we best do this?

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, who has had a strong, long-standing relationship with BSA, said in a statement April 25th,

"The current BSA proposal constructively addresses a number of important issues that have been part of the on-going dialogue including consistent standards for all BSA partners, recognition that Scouting exists to serve and benefit youth rather than Scout leaders, a single standard of moral purity for youth in the program, and a renewed emphasis for Scouts to honor their duty to God. 

"We are grateful to BSA for their careful consideration of these issues. We appreciate the positive things contained in this current proposal that will help build and strengthen the moral character and leadership skills of youth as we work together in the future.” 

From what I can understand, BSA has moved to try and have a positive influence on all youth who have a desire to be involved in Scouting, whatever their beliefs or sexual orientation. I believe their intent was good. I'm just not sure what the implications of this action are? Where is this leading? Or is it strictly something that's trying to benefit the youth of America? 

We are all children of a God that loves us unconditionally. This does not mean He endorses all activities. For me, I keep asking the ultimate Christian question: WWJD? What would Jesus do? 

What do you think? What implications does this have for the youth? For the parents? For families? For America?

Now that's classy...

This is the land of opportunity! Opportunity to do what?
       Well, today I'm taking the opportunity to express myself in the most jumbled, confusing, non-            grammatical way possible, because that's what I love about America. We can do that.

Recently in my Family Relations class, we discussed social class and the effect that it has on families. What kind of range in values, perspectives, attitudes, resources, and opportunities is there? How does this effect a family?

"The American Dream", as it probably should, has taken some heat lately. In a land that promotes increase, progression, improvement, and idealism. Many of our citizens are not feeling the endless American possibilities working for them. The U.S. Census Bureau has found that 1 in every 6 Americans is now living in poverty. Over 146 million of our people are either "poor" or "low income". Twenty percent of American children are living in poverty. One out of every three children live in a home without a father.

These statistics are only a small taste of the economic issues in America, but even they seem to be hard to swallow. It's difficult to watch people suffer. It's difficult to watch people be indifferent to that suffering. In all the overwhelming difficulty that the media lavishly spreads across its headlines,

                what can we do about it?


So Today, I don't actually want to discuss statistics.  I want you to think about them and (if you so choose) watch these clips from the documentary "People Like Us: Social Class in America" to learn more about how social class divides the American people and often American families.

o   WASP

o   Belles

o   Friends in low Places

o   Joe Queenan's Kitchenwares Tour

o   How to Marry the Rich

o   All you need is Cash

o   Gnomes are Us

o   Trouble in Paradise

Today, I want to focus on the positive. I want to see the bright side of America.

The media has us convinced that we're hopelessly and helplessly falling apart. Are we? We might be? They say statistics don't lie. But what truth are they telling? What action are they calling us to?

Focusing on the negative has done little more for us than rile up politicians, news reporters, and citizens. The government is always to blame. When did the government-- meaning the suits in Washington D.C.-- become America? When did we become unaccountable for the current state of our nation?

We are America. It's about time we started acting like it.
               The first amendment in the Bill of Rights:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

What wonderful freedoms we have! What wonderful opportunities that simple amendment allows us! We have the freedom to assemble together, openly exchange our thoughts and opinions, print those thoughts and opinions for others to read, and create change within our government-- within OURSELVES. 

We are the government. It's about time we started acting like it. 

                  Gandhi wisely stated the bright side: 

“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.”

The Bright Side is: We can change. Acknowledge the poverty, the suffering, and faults of our society. Then proactively change the world by being a better individual. Give someone who's frowning something to smile about. Share your bounty with those who go without. Provide those who are distressed with another route. Enlighten other's souls when their light has gone out. . . . Yep, that was cheesy rhyming, and I liked it.

There is good in this world. 

There is hope for us. 

There is hope for our families. 

There is hope for America. 

Are our circumstances who we are? Whether that's upper class, middle class, lower class-- no. Have some more human class today. Look at the bright side. Change. 

              Now that's classy.

Roles: What's yours?

Do you play a specific role in your family? Are you the younger brother that riles everyone up? Are you the oldest child that enforces order? Are you the sister that patiently listens to every side of the story? Are you the dad that keeps the mood light and enjoyable?

Do our roles change?

Do we change within our roles?

Are these roles healthy? And do they contribute to making a familia entera?

What is your role? 

Have you ever felt trapped in a role?

One of the wonderful aspects of humanity is our capacity for change. We do not have to be the same person today that we were yesterday. We can be better. This is where I think roles can be a dangerous thing. While our strengths and weaknesses often allow us to fall into certain roles, we should never feel limited in who we are. The "black sheep" of the family is more than a trouble maker. The "angel child" is allowed be human. The mom is more than a chef and maid. The dad is more than a financial provider. This may seem obvious, but how often do we cling to certain roles because we feel like that is who we are? I'm not saying we can't play roles in our family, but they should be flexible and liberating, not constricting or degrading.

While the website itself is fairly basic and semi-nonprofessional, joyfulfamilies.org defines what I believe family roles should be based on-- creating unity. When each member of a family is working towards unity, the family develops an energy that stays with children even after they leave home. Each member of the family has an "aura" and brings a certain energy into the "family-being" (a collective energy or field of consciousness). While the words have a Buddhist feel that's often discounted as "hippie love" or "granola lifestyle"-- whatever you want to call it-- the idea behind the words is powerful. Think of the general feeling of your family? Is it comfortable? Safe? Chaotic? Dramatic? Indifferent? . . . What makes it that way? The relationship of the parents is especially emphasized in the joyfulfamilies website because they are more aware and in control of the aura they bring to a family. This aura is created based on the intentions we have and the things we pay attention to.

Intention and Attention. It's key.

It's essential that we become acutely aware of the things that we're teaching our children. What morals do you want your children to learn? The things you pay the most attention to are the things your children will identify as your priorities. What are those things?

Our role as a family member-- sister, brother, mother, father, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa-- is to become aware of what kind of energy we're bring into our family and how it influences our family-being. Become aware of that energy and then work to shape it positively. Doing this could mean a variety of things. 

I participate in a weekly "Luminary Discussion Group" (click here to learn more) that discusses what wholeness is and how we can be more whole. This week we discussed wholeness in the family. I wanted to share a few different ideas (based off of mistakes we found we were making) for creating a positive family-being:

• Let go of the need to fix things: Be a leader, a source of guidance, and a pillar of support. Allow people to make their own decisions and learn from the consequences. 
• Realize that we're all human: It's especially important to accept that YOU are human. You make mistakes. Take those imperfections and work with them. 
• Ask for help: Be willing to be honest with yourself and others when you're struggling. Often times, people willingly offer relief, guidance, and support. 

These are aspects of roles that we all have. What other things can we do to fill healthy family roles and create a healthy, whole environment for our families to grow and learn?

Human Capital: The World Economic Staple

Parents insist they love all of their children equally for different reasons. Teachers preach that everyone is special in their own way. Church meetings welcome everyone as a unique individual with potential. Politicians repeatedly promise they have everyone's diverse needs on their agenda. Girls pat each other on the back saying, "Girl, forget him. You deserve so much better," after a breakup. Boys slap each other on the rear saying, "Dude, you got this," before plays in a big football game. Grandmothers will forever pinch our cheeks saying, "Well, aren't you just the cutest!"

Why?

         Because it's truth.

Okay, maybe not all truth, but the underlying principle is. We all have value. We all have different cards to bring to the table. Some of us have acquired more cards, skill, or experience than others; regardless, when 2+ people get together, they have substantially more human capital than a lone individual.

A couple books that I've recently read illuminate the value of human capital and interaction:

Jonah Lehrer explores the creative benefits, one form of human capital, that come from our interaction with one another in his novel  Imagine . Even the exposure to another's human capital seems to produce powerfully innovative results. Lehrer quotes Geoffrey West, a former physicist at Standford University and Los Alamos National Laboratory, saying, "When people come together they become much more productive per capita. They exchange more ideas and generate more innovations. What's truly amazing is how predictable this is." This is why cities, he argues, are the most important invention in human history. This is why, I argue, the family is the most important institution within those cities. Family's are the garden for the growth of human capital. Others may say that it's in the education system. I say that the family is the education system. As I stated in my previous post, the home is where we learn to learn.

The Alchemist, by Paulo Coehlo, presents some intriguing insights on the value of each person. "Each person forms its own exact function a unique beings . . . It is we who nourish the Soul of the World, and the world we live in will be either better or worse, depending on whether we become better or worse." Where does an individual first learn to become better or worse? In the home. In the Family. Our society will become better or worse depending on what we teach our children.

The innovation, morals, work ethic, social skills, resourcefulness, and resilience-- a few elements of human capital-- originate in the home. These are the elements that drive our economy and society forward. People are our greatest resource. Why, then, are we bringing less of them into the world?

Demographers have come out with some frightening statistics about declining fertility rates. While the world population continues to rise-- a result of lengthened lifespans-- birthrates have dramatically decreased. As our older generation begins to die off, our population will peak and then is predicted to steadily decline. Just as population can exponentially growth, it can exponentially decrease. Are we to fear extinction??? No... that's a little dramatic, but one thing we do have to fear is social and economic decline. You see, a decline in people means a decline in human capital-- a decline in innovation, work force, support, and skill diversity.

Dr. Paul Ehrlich promoted the idea of declining population in 1968 as the author of The Population Bomb. He alerted the world to the possibilities of extreme pollution, devastating environmental degradation, and mass starvation as a result of overpopulation. The effects of overpopulation, according to Ehrlich, would surely destroy the world if we reached 5 billion people. Did Ehrlich's predictions come to pass? In short, no. We're sitting at a comfortable 7 billion people right now. Is there pollution? Yes. Is there environmental degradation? Yes. Is there starvation? Yes. But human capital is at an all time high. The technology boom is one obvious example. It has made information more available than it has ever been. Communication and interaction has been taken from a local to a world wide scale for anyone with a computer or telephone. Ideas are being exchanged at a rate that Ehrlich would not have believe even if he had seen it coming. New, promising solutions to age old problems are being explored. These are the results of increased population, increased human capital.

Producing human capital comes down to having children and rearing them in a positive home environment. This positive home environment will be repeatedly explored in future posts. If you would like to know more about the fertility decline, its causes and effects, and how it's linked to a decline in families and children, please visit this link for a fabulous documentary: Demographic Winter.

And finally, for your enjoyment, Let's Get Together.