R.A.M.

The R.A.M. (Relationship Attachment Model), developed by John Van Epp, presents 5 main ways that people bond with one another. I wish I had been taught this 10 years ago! It definitely would have helped my relationships be a little healthier. Better late than never though, right? Its how these specific bonding experiences interrelate that was particularly interesting to me, but for starters, here are the 5 ways we bond (you can take inventory of how well "bonded" you are to the people you care about by answering the questions):

1) KNOW: How much do you know about each other's traditions, personalities, families, interests, and beliefs?

2) TRUST: How comfortable are you sharing personal information and secrets with one another?

3) RELY: Are you comfortable testing out that trust? Can you rely on that person to help you and take care of things for you (i.e. your beloved gold fish, an errand you forgot to run, a responsibility you need help with)?

4) COMMIT: Do you feel dedicated to the relationship (on any level)? Or is a little turbulence in your relationship going to send it tumbling?  

5) TOUCH: Touch (anything from holding hands to nursing a baby) creates feelings of attachment. Do you "touch" in meaningful, appropriate ways that match your commitment to the relationship? 

Touch creates powerful feelings of attachment and is intentionally last on the list. It should be a physical demonstration of how well you know, trust, rely on, and are committed to a person. This is why this physical affection, when jumped straight into without the previous 4 steps, results in shallow, unstable relationships. In fact, Van Epp suggests that everything starts with knowing someone and then trickles down from there: 

 This representation means:

1. Never trust someone more than you know them
2. Never rely on someone more than you trust them
3. Never commit to someone more than you can rely on them
4. Never touch someone more than you're committed to them

This seems so obvious after it was spelled out for me! But I'm definitely guilty of not balancing these things properly. In fact, many relationships (at least the ones that are DOOMED TO FAIL!!!... ha just kidding. but maybe?) skip straight to the last step because touching makes them feel like they know and are attached to a person. It creates a false sense of commitment (usually in the girl because of a wonderful chemical called oxytocin) built on a sandy or non-existent foundation. It never works out!!!

Moral of the story: KNOW, TRUST, RELY, COMMIT, and then TOUCH if you want a strong, healthy, satisfying relationship like this wonderful couple on the Beallair Community website (which looks wonderful, by the way, if you're looking for a large, expensive home in Washington D.C.).