"Codes and Keys"

What's the number one thing people say interferes with their relationship?

COMMUNICATION

"We never talk?"

"He never listens to me?"

"She just doesn't understand me."

"It's like we're speaking two totally different languages!!"

"I think we just have two different communication styles."

So we just need to talk more! I wish. Apparently there's a little bit more to it than that. 

As Death Cab for Cutie put it in their song "Codes and Keys" (hence the title):

We won't get far

Flying in circles inside a jar

Because the air we breathe

Is thinning with the words that we speak

That we speak

You and me

That we speak

You and me

We say an average of 16,000 words a day. [and despite stereotypes, females do no talk more than males... statistically speaking. Check it out.] How effectively are we using our words? That seems like a lot of opportunity for misunderstandings. Lots of flying around in circles getting little accomplished. The divorce rates and dissatisfaction with relationships is evidence of this cyclic trend. We are not being understood, and (because) our words aren't the half of it. Not even close. 

There are 3 main modes of communication: words, non-verbal, and tone. Any rough guesses on which ones are most influential in conveying our message?

Our meaning is made up of about 14 % words

                                                                          51% non-verbal cues

                                                                         35% tone

Tricky, tricky... We're saying far more with how we say things than with what we're saying. So how do we match what we mean to say with what we're actually saying?

In the context of formal meetings, Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints suggests in his General Conference talk, "Strength in Counsel", that we hold counsels using 5 essential keys that are easily applicable to family, friend, and romantic relationships to ensure accurate communication:

First, focus on the fundamentals: focus on the truths that you know. God's truths do not change and thus provide the perfect foundation for communication. 

Second, focus on people: "Coordination and calendaring have their time and place, but too many council meetings begin and end there. Rather than reciting a litany of organizational plans and reports, spend most of the time in council meetings reviewing the needs of individual members." 

Third, promote free and open expression: Allow and encourage everyone to participate in the conversation. People are often hesitant to share their point of view or their real feelings. Let them know that you want to know what they really think. Be genuine. Keep the atmosphere comfortable. Keep everything confidential. Be someone others can trust. 

Fourth, participation is a privilege: If you want to share your opinion, be prepared to listen and consider the opinions of others. Recognize that throwing opinions at each other like a ping pong match gets very little accomplished. Consider how their views are similar or different from yours. Be willing to admit that you're wrong. Be willing to stand up for what's right. 

Fifth, lead with LOVE: “Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. …And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:37, 39). Never speak with the intention of hurting or degrading another person. Always question whether you're acting out of love, especially when you criticize.