Hope

In one of my very first posts, I talked about a discussion group that I participate in: The Luminary Discussion Group. In this weekly discussion, we basically talk about becoming better people and helping others to become better people. Yesterday, our discussion began on the topic of hope. While we didn't talk about it in a familial context specifically. I have been impressed by the significance of our conversation in relation to families. 

First off, people are imperfect (shocker, I know). Families are made up of these imperfect people. This imperfect group of people is a part of God's perfect plan-- and not just for entertainment (although he must find some of our issues amusing). We were put together to help each other change, grow, and fulfill our potential. What can be a recipe for disaster can also be the greatest masterpiece of eternity. However, I think that we need a vision of what we can be. We need to begin to see one another as we truly are. 

What are we? We are children of God. 

How do we really see each other as brothers and sisters with a spiritually divine nature?

We have faith. We have hope. 

If only those words could convey all the depth and meaning behind them. Yesterday, during the Luminary Discussion, we tried to hash out what hope is. 

First, a portion of a cnn article I recently discovered called "How Hope can Heal You": 

"There is a thin line between hope and denial, and that line is an unwavering commitment to truth and reality.
Groopman writes: "False hope does not recognize the risks and dangers that true hope does. False hope can lead to intemperate choices and flawed decision making. True hope takes into account the real threats that exist and seeks to navigate the best path around them."
Both Lopez and Bidwell emphasize that hope is not about positive thinking. Hope is half optimism, Lopez explains. The other half is the belief in the power that you can make it so.
There is a profound difference between hoping and wishing, he continues. Wishing encourages passivity, whereas hope represents an active stance.
'Wishing is the fantasy that everything is going to turn out OK. Hoping is actually showing up for the hard work.'"

Though though some parts of these statements triggered strong feelings both in agreement and disagreement, it led to some pretty fantastic insights within our discussion group:

• Hope is lively 
• Hope is what makes change possible 
• Hope is an essential part of Christ's Atonement
• Hope is inextricable tied with faith and charity
• Hope allows us to be humble and trust God to focus our efforts
• Hope makes us happy 
• Hope encourages action

These comments sound simple; it's a concept that's impossible to cover with words, but it's powerful. 

We talked about blended families (for example, a divorced mother with two children marries a widowed father) this week in my Family Relations class. What a difference it would make for these family's to have hope. A hope based on seeing each other as we really are and having a vision of what we can become. Families unite based on the idea that it's possible. If it weren't possible, it wouldn't be worth working for. 

Uniting a family (blended or 100% biologically related) is a matter of hope. It is the secret, proactive ingredient that makes a masterpiece out of an imperfect group of people. Hope is active. It is actively learning and moving forward knowing that you can become better. 

So hope a little, eh?
  

What is the Purpose of Parenting?

In a world that's constantly changing, how could we possibly know how to raise children?

Sometimes this question terrifies me and makes me wonder how I could ever have children. Pornography, violence, murder, immorality, and an overall decline in values are a few of the things I'm concerned about. However, I also know that there is a foundation on which we can build our families in a way that will bring joy and satisfaction to our lives.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints sent out "The Family: A Proclamation to the World"in 1995. It provides valuable, essential information for raising a family. It declares:

“Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.”

This is the duty and the purpose of parents, to bring their children to God. How do we best do that? In my Family Relations class we recently talked about doing this through encouragement. We also discussed its origin, which I found very enlightening. Here's the break down:

Encourage: 

[en]- a prefix expressing entry into a specified state or location

[cour]- a french root meaning "to strengthen the heart"

[age]- a suffix denoting either the product or sphere of an action

[We focused on the french root of the word "cour" (I looked up the rest), but I found the entire breakdown helpful.]

To help our children love-- we must encourage them through our love for them. 

To help our children be righteous-- we must encourage them by our own righteous example.

To help our children serve-- we must encourage them by serving them and serving with them.
To help our children abide by laws-- we must encourage them by abiding by laws.

To help our children keep God's commandments-- we must encourage them by keeping the commandments ourselves. 

The location in which we strengthen our children is their hearts. However, as the suffix "age" suggests, this is a product of action on both the parent and the child. Parent's have the duty to bring truth unto the hearts of the children and the children have the duty to bring it into their hearts. 

The purpose of parenting, the privilege of parents, is to teach their children in love and righteousness. It simply comes down to . . .

Practice what you preach. 

How do we raise children in this world? We become the example that they need. We encourage them by showing them first hand the blessings that come from living based on the truths we know. We encourage them by admitting that we're not perfect, but that we're always trying to live God's commandments and these principles of love, righteousness, and service.

The LDS Church provides further insight: Parenting.  

Fathers

Are Fathers as Essential as Mothers?

That would be an emphatic 
                       YES.

One of my favorite websites, greatergood.berkeley.edu, published an interesting article called “The Astonishing Science of Father Involvement” by Jeremy Adam Smith that presents physiological changes that happen to make fathers so.... well.... fatherly. 

One of the amazing phenomenons they address is a male hormone shift that happens after a child is born. As long as the husband is spending time with his wife and child, his testosterone levels drop and he gains proclaim and cortisol, the hormones responsible for helping a mother to be sensitive to her child’s needs. In fact, Smith claims, “In many, many ways, male and female bodies converge as the two become parents” and that this process of change increases with each child. 

Another change happens in the brain, where researchers have hypothesized, partially based on their research with marmoset monkeys (“the stay-at-home dads of the animal kingdom”), that fathers develop “better neural connections in the pre-frontal cortex” and hippocampus when they're involved with their children. This makes the fathers more able to respond to and be emotionally connected with their children. Both of these areas are typically larger in females. The importance of the research is constantly tied back to the fact that these things can form lasting bonds if cultivated. 

Fathers are often seen as the more distant caregiver, especially since “paternal leave” from work is almost non-existent in Western society. Smith argues that fathers are beginning to want this time with their children as much as they need it. “They are more plugged in to the enrichment of their children and more comfortable taking time off to be fathers.” Mothers are not solely responsible for the nurturing of their children. Even physiology seems to suggest that fathers have those tendencies as well after they have children, and this fatherly nurturing is essential to a child's development. In fact, Christine Carter, Ph. D, sociologist, and happiness expert at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, points out five researched benefits that come from having a father. Kids will:

1)   Be smarter and more successful in school and work 

2)   Be happier 

3)   Have more friends and better relationships 

4)   Have happier, healthier mothers 

5)   Be less likely to get into trouble or engage in risky behaviorGrowing up 

Bill Cosby: "Nothing I have ever done has given me more joys or rewards than being a father to my children."

Men have the noble duty to be fathers. It is the most important and fulfilling opportunity they will ever have. Watch this and embrace the fact that you will tear up: Earthly Father, Heavenly Father.

Fathers: We want them. We need them. We love them. 

"Codes and Keys"

What's the number one thing people say interferes with their relationship?

COMMUNICATION

"We never talk?"

"He never listens to me?"

"She just doesn't understand me."

"It's like we're speaking two totally different languages!!"

"I think we just have two different communication styles."

So we just need to talk more! I wish. Apparently there's a little bit more to it than that. 

As Death Cab for Cutie put it in their song "Codes and Keys" (hence the title):

We won't get far

Flying in circles inside a jar

Because the air we breathe

Is thinning with the words that we speak

That we speak

You and me

That we speak

You and me

We say an average of 16,000 words a day. [and despite stereotypes, females do no talk more than males... statistically speaking. Check it out.] How effectively are we using our words? That seems like a lot of opportunity for misunderstandings. Lots of flying around in circles getting little accomplished. The divorce rates and dissatisfaction with relationships is evidence of this cyclic trend. We are not being understood, and (because) our words aren't the half of it. Not even close. 

There are 3 main modes of communication: words, non-verbal, and tone. Any rough guesses on which ones are most influential in conveying our message?

Our meaning is made up of about 14 % words

                                                                          51% non-verbal cues

                                                                         35% tone

Tricky, tricky... We're saying far more with how we say things than with what we're saying. So how do we match what we mean to say with what we're actually saying?

In the context of formal meetings, Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints suggests in his General Conference talk, "Strength in Counsel", that we hold counsels using 5 essential keys that are easily applicable to family, friend, and romantic relationships to ensure accurate communication:

First, focus on the fundamentals: focus on the truths that you know. God's truths do not change and thus provide the perfect foundation for communication. 

Second, focus on people: "Coordination and calendaring have their time and place, but too many council meetings begin and end there. Rather than reciting a litany of organizational plans and reports, spend most of the time in council meetings reviewing the needs of individual members." 

Third, promote free and open expression: Allow and encourage everyone to participate in the conversation. People are often hesitant to share their point of view or their real feelings. Let them know that you want to know what they really think. Be genuine. Keep the atmosphere comfortable. Keep everything confidential. Be someone others can trust. 

Fourth, participation is a privilege: If you want to share your opinion, be prepared to listen and consider the opinions of others. Recognize that throwing opinions at each other like a ping pong match gets very little accomplished. Consider how their views are similar or different from yours. Be willing to admit that you're wrong. Be willing to stand up for what's right. 

Fifth, lead with LOVE: “Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. …And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:37, 39). Never speak with the intention of hurting or degrading another person. Always question whether you're acting out of love, especially when you criticize.

Family Vacations Spell S.T.R.E.S.S.

Family vacations are suppose to be a source of bonding time-- a time where the family is able to come together and enjoy one another's company. How often has this happened? For me... not very often. This might explain a lack of family vacations in my family. Not only are they expensive and time consuming, they're often the source of an incredible amount of contention when things don't go according to plan or when not everyone wants to follow "the plan". It doesn't have to be this way! Even with stress preventing our full enjoyment,

For some reason, we find our crazy family vacation time invaluable. How can we ditch the stress of family vacation and FULLY enjoy ourselves then? As silly as it sounds, the answer is spelt R.E.L.A.X. Yeah, that's right... relax. I, of all people, have very little to preach about relaxation. I struggle with "going with the flow" as much as the next person stuck in my perfectionistic tendencies. I like plans. I like knowing what's going to happen next. Or I thought I did. I've been trying out a new lifestyle, if you will, for the last... mmmm... year? I haven't given up all my perfectionist tendencies. I'm still a straight A student (it's amazing what scholarship money can do to manipulate a person). I smooth out all the wrinkles in my bed after I make it. I love being on time (as in early) to everything. However, I've started letting go of the tendencies that hold me back from really enjoying life. I think it's these tendencies that keep many from enjoying their family vacations. We get so wrapped up in our perfect, ideal expectations that we forget to recognize the value in what we have in the moment. I have a solution. 

DITCH THE PLAN. 

Homeaway provides a wonderful 5 step plan for making your vacation wonderful, magical, excellent. 

1. Research your destinations as a family

2. Plan for down time

3. Set a realistic budget

4. Build in flexibility

5. Reclaim your schedule

This is a lot of planning for my earlier statement, so let me rephrase it once again: 

Make the plan and then ditch your attachment to the plan. 

While homeaway implies this in each of their steps, I would add to their steps that you need to involve the whole family in this planning. Ask your son to work out the finances. Put your daughter in charge of navigation. Dad might be over sleeping accommodations. Mom would take care of pre-traveling preparations. etc. Help as necessary, but no more than necessary. Why? Because not only does this provide a valuable learning experience for everyone, it allows everyone to be accountable for and invested in the vacation. It lets everyone have a say. 

"BUT things could and probably will go TERRIBLY WRONG!!!!"

That is correct. 

Let it go. 

It's okay, really.

Realize that your time together is more important than the things you get done. I mean... still exercise caution for heaven's sake (if your sister's getting married in under ten minutes, you might want to lovingly take control of the map). But if you end up in the middle of a Wyoming cow pasture rather than a Colorado ski hill on your next family vaca, stop. Look at the map. Let out a sigh to release any pent up negative emotions. and then laugh. A good, hearty laugh. Slap each other on the back. Break out the last bag of Doritos. Take a picture. Redirect. Wave goodbye to the cows. [these are not optional steps....]. And continue with life. 

Do not make family vacations a family crisis. Family vacations are what you make them. Make 'em good, yeah?

YOLO!!

You only live once, so go out and live it up! Right?

People tend to take this philosophy and use it to justify any and all impulsive, sensual behavior. However, because of the truths I've learned as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I believe that we only live forever once (so.... YOLFO, I guess).

Why is this an important distinction?

Does this imply that we have an unlimited amount of time to "get it right"?
If so, what incentive is there for working so hard to avoid mistakes that often appear to be so pleasurable?

I specifically have sexual purity on my mind today. Why do I want to save physical intimacy for marriage?

Thesis: Because God's work and glory is to bring to pass the "immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39) through the family unit, the true joy that can be experienced through physical intimacy can only be experienced when we exercise this gift in harmony with God's purpose. 

It is essential to understand our purpose if we are to understand the purpose of physical intimacy.

Our ability to create life is truly a gift and great responsibility given to us from God. To have a body capable of procreation is a miraculous ability that comes after and increases intimacy between two people. Intimacy and sex are not the same thing. Charles, a single, 28 year-old man, is used to exemplify this in Lauer's "Marriage and Family". Charles was living up his single, promiscuous lifestyle when he realized this and tried to change:

"I'm in a kind of limbo right now. I have dated some women, and I am starting to develop a relationship with one that I think may lead to what I need. In any case, I know that I can't let sex be a deterrent to intimacy anymore. I know what I need. And I know that I can't get it in a one-night stand."

Physical intimacy is the ultimate "physical touch" (see RAM post). It is the ultimate physical commitment to someone. Then why should it proceed the promise to be with someone for life and for eternity? Commitment and self-control are lacking in pre-marital sex. God cannot bless us with divine joy under such conditions. We deny ourselves of joy, contentment, peace, and satisfaction when we refuse to deny ourselves of this "pleasure" prematurely.

This, I believe, is the difference between physical intimacy outside of marriage and within marriage: pleasure vs. joy

President Spencer W. Kimball, the 12th president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, further explained the organization and purpose of marriage saying, “The Lord organized the whole program in the beginning with a father who procreates, provides, and loves and directs, and a mother who conceives and bears and nurtures and feeds and trains. The Lord could have organized it otherwise but chose to have a unit with responsibility and purposeful associations.”

Men and Women were designed to work together from the beginning. Our work is based on the Lord's plan for the family-- His plan for our happiness and salvation. In uniting ourselves with that perfect plan, we come to understand the sanctity of our procreative powers as well as the joy that those powers bring when they are used appropriately.

You're Different. Thank Goodness!

Couples on their way to divorce have 10 areas of significant incompatibility.
Couples who are very happy have 10 areas of significant incompatibility.

                       WHAT!!

Yeah, they're the same statistics. So what's the difference?

Even after you find your perfect significant other (similar interests, ideas, values, religious beliefs, etc.), the chances of your seeing eye to eye all the time are slim to none. Personally, I think it would be terribly boring if this were the case. What would we learn! Very little. Good thing we're all different. How, then, do we make these "incompatibilities" or differences work for us? How do we see the learning experience in the challenge?

• Communication
• Acceptance
• Accommodation

These three things are the difference between those couples who divorce because of their differences and those who enjoy deep, lasting happiness. This is how we learn from one another. 

• TALK TO EACH OTHER!! Actions might speak louder than words, but it's those vocal undertones that clarify the action. In a loving way, talk about your concerns and things that bother you.

• Accept your differences as just that-- differences. The wonderful thing about people? We're always changing. 

• Make compromised changes based on love. Recognize the needs and wants of the other person and make accommodations accordingly. 

The marriage counsel site, "Marriage Gems" discusses the subject saying,

"Couples may believe that conflict causes divorce, but actually the opposite is true.Smart Marriages, the educational organization run by CMFCE, reports that “the number-one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict.” Early in a marriage, couples may feel that to stay in love they need to agree, be quiet, not fight. In a more mature marriage, couples may avoid conflict because it quickly gets out of hand, either leading to blow-ups or at least one partner shutting down. “Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy,” says Sollee."

After you've recognized, discussed, accepted, and made accommodations. Don't focus on your differences! Focusing on the difficult, negative, or differences will naturally tear your relationship apart. Focus on what you have in common, the things that brought you together in the first place. An awareness (rather than a focus or fear) of differences helps to remove them as obstacles while you're enjoying all the things you love about each other.

                    La vie d'amour!