Hope

In one of my very first posts, I talked about a discussion group that I participate in: The Luminary Discussion Group. In this weekly discussion, we basically talk about becoming better people and helping others to become better people. Yesterday, our discussion began on the topic of hope. While we didn't talk about it in a familial context specifically. I have been impressed by the significance of our conversation in relation to families. 

First off, people are imperfect (shocker, I know). Families are made up of these imperfect people. This imperfect group of people is a part of God's perfect plan-- and not just for entertainment (although he must find some of our issues amusing). We were put together to help each other change, grow, and fulfill our potential. What can be a recipe for disaster can also be the greatest masterpiece of eternity. However, I think that we need a vision of what we can be. We need to begin to see one another as we truly are. 

What are we? We are children of God. 

How do we really see each other as brothers and sisters with a spiritually divine nature?

We have faith. We have hope. 

If only those words could convey all the depth and meaning behind them. Yesterday, during the Luminary Discussion, we tried to hash out what hope is. 

First, a portion of a cnn article I recently discovered called "How Hope can Heal You": 

"There is a thin line between hope and denial, and that line is an unwavering commitment to truth and reality.
Groopman writes: "False hope does not recognize the risks and dangers that true hope does. False hope can lead to intemperate choices and flawed decision making. True hope takes into account the real threats that exist and seeks to navigate the best path around them."
Both Lopez and Bidwell emphasize that hope is not about positive thinking. Hope is half optimism, Lopez explains. The other half is the belief in the power that you can make it so.
There is a profound difference between hoping and wishing, he continues. Wishing encourages passivity, whereas hope represents an active stance.
'Wishing is the fantasy that everything is going to turn out OK. Hoping is actually showing up for the hard work.'"

Though though some parts of these statements triggered strong feelings both in agreement and disagreement, it led to some pretty fantastic insights within our discussion group:

• Hope is lively 
• Hope is what makes change possible 
• Hope is an essential part of Christ's Atonement
• Hope is inextricable tied with faith and charity
• Hope allows us to be humble and trust God to focus our efforts
• Hope makes us happy 
• Hope encourages action

These comments sound simple; it's a concept that's impossible to cover with words, but it's powerful. 

We talked about blended families (for example, a divorced mother with two children marries a widowed father) this week in my Family Relations class. What a difference it would make for these family's to have hope. A hope based on seeing each other as we really are and having a vision of what we can become. Families unite based on the idea that it's possible. If it weren't possible, it wouldn't be worth working for. 

Uniting a family (blended or 100% biologically related) is a matter of hope. It is the secret, proactive ingredient that makes a masterpiece out of an imperfect group of people. Hope is active. It is actively learning and moving forward knowing that you can become better. 

So hope a little, eh?
  

What is the Purpose of Parenting?

In a world that's constantly changing, how could we possibly know how to raise children?

Sometimes this question terrifies me and makes me wonder how I could ever have children. Pornography, violence, murder, immorality, and an overall decline in values are a few of the things I'm concerned about. However, I also know that there is a foundation on which we can build our families in a way that will bring joy and satisfaction to our lives.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints sent out "The Family: A Proclamation to the World"in 1995. It provides valuable, essential information for raising a family. It declares:

“Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live.”

This is the duty and the purpose of parents, to bring their children to God. How do we best do that? In my Family Relations class we recently talked about doing this through encouragement. We also discussed its origin, which I found very enlightening. Here's the break down:

Encourage: 

[en]- a prefix expressing entry into a specified state or location

[cour]- a french root meaning "to strengthen the heart"

[age]- a suffix denoting either the product or sphere of an action

[We focused on the french root of the word "cour" (I looked up the rest), but I found the entire breakdown helpful.]

To help our children love-- we must encourage them through our love for them. 

To help our children be righteous-- we must encourage them by our own righteous example.

To help our children serve-- we must encourage them by serving them and serving with them.
To help our children abide by laws-- we must encourage them by abiding by laws.

To help our children keep God's commandments-- we must encourage them by keeping the commandments ourselves. 

The location in which we strengthen our children is their hearts. However, as the suffix "age" suggests, this is a product of action on both the parent and the child. Parent's have the duty to bring truth unto the hearts of the children and the children have the duty to bring it into their hearts. 

The purpose of parenting, the privilege of parents, is to teach their children in love and righteousness. It simply comes down to . . .

Practice what you preach. 

How do we raise children in this world? We become the example that they need. We encourage them by showing them first hand the blessings that come from living based on the truths we know. We encourage them by admitting that we're not perfect, but that we're always trying to live God's commandments and these principles of love, righteousness, and service.

The LDS Church provides further insight: Parenting.  

Fathers

Are Fathers as Essential as Mothers?

That would be an emphatic 
                       YES.

One of my favorite websites, greatergood.berkeley.edu, published an interesting article called “The Astonishing Science of Father Involvement” by Jeremy Adam Smith that presents physiological changes that happen to make fathers so.... well.... fatherly. 

One of the amazing phenomenons they address is a male hormone shift that happens after a child is born. As long as the husband is spending time with his wife and child, his testosterone levels drop and he gains proclaim and cortisol, the hormones responsible for helping a mother to be sensitive to her child’s needs. In fact, Smith claims, “In many, many ways, male and female bodies converge as the two become parents” and that this process of change increases with each child. 

Another change happens in the brain, where researchers have hypothesized, partially based on their research with marmoset monkeys (“the stay-at-home dads of the animal kingdom”), that fathers develop “better neural connections in the pre-frontal cortex” and hippocampus when they're involved with their children. This makes the fathers more able to respond to and be emotionally connected with their children. Both of these areas are typically larger in females. The importance of the research is constantly tied back to the fact that these things can form lasting bonds if cultivated. 

Fathers are often seen as the more distant caregiver, especially since “paternal leave” from work is almost non-existent in Western society. Smith argues that fathers are beginning to want this time with their children as much as they need it. “They are more plugged in to the enrichment of their children and more comfortable taking time off to be fathers.” Mothers are not solely responsible for the nurturing of their children. Even physiology seems to suggest that fathers have those tendencies as well after they have children, and this fatherly nurturing is essential to a child's development. In fact, Christine Carter, Ph. D, sociologist, and happiness expert at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, points out five researched benefits that come from having a father. Kids will:

1)   Be smarter and more successful in school and work 

2)   Be happier 

3)   Have more friends and better relationships 

4)   Have happier, healthier mothers 

5)   Be less likely to get into trouble or engage in risky behaviorGrowing up 

Bill Cosby: "Nothing I have ever done has given me more joys or rewards than being a father to my children."

Men have the noble duty to be fathers. It is the most important and fulfilling opportunity they will ever have. Watch this and embrace the fact that you will tear up: Earthly Father, Heavenly Father.

Fathers: We want them. We need them. We love them. 

"Codes and Keys"

What's the number one thing people say interferes with their relationship?

COMMUNICATION

"We never talk?"

"He never listens to me?"

"She just doesn't understand me."

"It's like we're speaking two totally different languages!!"

"I think we just have two different communication styles."

So we just need to talk more! I wish. Apparently there's a little bit more to it than that. 

As Death Cab for Cutie put it in their song "Codes and Keys" (hence the title):

We won't get far

Flying in circles inside a jar

Because the air we breathe

Is thinning with the words that we speak

That we speak

You and me

That we speak

You and me

We say an average of 16,000 words a day. [and despite stereotypes, females do no talk more than males... statistically speaking. Check it out.] How effectively are we using our words? That seems like a lot of opportunity for misunderstandings. Lots of flying around in circles getting little accomplished. The divorce rates and dissatisfaction with relationships is evidence of this cyclic trend. We are not being understood, and (because) our words aren't the half of it. Not even close. 

There are 3 main modes of communication: words, non-verbal, and tone. Any rough guesses on which ones are most influential in conveying our message?

Our meaning is made up of about 14 % words

                                                                          51% non-verbal cues

                                                                         35% tone

Tricky, tricky... We're saying far more with how we say things than with what we're saying. So how do we match what we mean to say with what we're actually saying?

In the context of formal meetings, Elder M. Russell Ballard of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints suggests in his General Conference talk, "Strength in Counsel", that we hold counsels using 5 essential keys that are easily applicable to family, friend, and romantic relationships to ensure accurate communication:

First, focus on the fundamentals: focus on the truths that you know. God's truths do not change and thus provide the perfect foundation for communication. 

Second, focus on people: "Coordination and calendaring have their time and place, but too many council meetings begin and end there. Rather than reciting a litany of organizational plans and reports, spend most of the time in council meetings reviewing the needs of individual members." 

Third, promote free and open expression: Allow and encourage everyone to participate in the conversation. People are often hesitant to share their point of view or their real feelings. Let them know that you want to know what they really think. Be genuine. Keep the atmosphere comfortable. Keep everything confidential. Be someone others can trust. 

Fourth, participation is a privilege: If you want to share your opinion, be prepared to listen and consider the opinions of others. Recognize that throwing opinions at each other like a ping pong match gets very little accomplished. Consider how their views are similar or different from yours. Be willing to admit that you're wrong. Be willing to stand up for what's right. 

Fifth, lead with LOVE: “Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. …And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:37, 39). Never speak with the intention of hurting or degrading another person. Always question whether you're acting out of love, especially when you criticize.

Family Vacations Spell S.T.R.E.S.S.

Family vacations are suppose to be a source of bonding time-- a time where the family is able to come together and enjoy one another's company. How often has this happened? For me... not very often. This might explain a lack of family vacations in my family. Not only are they expensive and time consuming, they're often the source of an incredible amount of contention when things don't go according to plan or when not everyone wants to follow "the plan". It doesn't have to be this way! Even with stress preventing our full enjoyment,

For some reason, we find our crazy family vacation time invaluable. How can we ditch the stress of family vacation and FULLY enjoy ourselves then? As silly as it sounds, the answer is spelt R.E.L.A.X. Yeah, that's right... relax. I, of all people, have very little to preach about relaxation. I struggle with "going with the flow" as much as the next person stuck in my perfectionistic tendencies. I like plans. I like knowing what's going to happen next. Or I thought I did. I've been trying out a new lifestyle, if you will, for the last... mmmm... year? I haven't given up all my perfectionist tendencies. I'm still a straight A student (it's amazing what scholarship money can do to manipulate a person). I smooth out all the wrinkles in my bed after I make it. I love being on time (as in early) to everything. However, I've started letting go of the tendencies that hold me back from really enjoying life. I think it's these tendencies that keep many from enjoying their family vacations. We get so wrapped up in our perfect, ideal expectations that we forget to recognize the value in what we have in the moment. I have a solution. 

DITCH THE PLAN. 

Homeaway provides a wonderful 5 step plan for making your vacation wonderful, magical, excellent. 

1. Research your destinations as a family

2. Plan for down time

3. Set a realistic budget

4. Build in flexibility

5. Reclaim your schedule

This is a lot of planning for my earlier statement, so let me rephrase it once again: 

Make the plan and then ditch your attachment to the plan. 

While homeaway implies this in each of their steps, I would add to their steps that you need to involve the whole family in this planning. Ask your son to work out the finances. Put your daughter in charge of navigation. Dad might be over sleeping accommodations. Mom would take care of pre-traveling preparations. etc. Help as necessary, but no more than necessary. Why? Because not only does this provide a valuable learning experience for everyone, it allows everyone to be accountable for and invested in the vacation. It lets everyone have a say. 

"BUT things could and probably will go TERRIBLY WRONG!!!!"

That is correct. 

Let it go. 

It's okay, really.

Realize that your time together is more important than the things you get done. I mean... still exercise caution for heaven's sake (if your sister's getting married in under ten minutes, you might want to lovingly take control of the map). But if you end up in the middle of a Wyoming cow pasture rather than a Colorado ski hill on your next family vaca, stop. Look at the map. Let out a sigh to release any pent up negative emotions. and then laugh. A good, hearty laugh. Slap each other on the back. Break out the last bag of Doritos. Take a picture. Redirect. Wave goodbye to the cows. [these are not optional steps....]. And continue with life. 

Do not make family vacations a family crisis. Family vacations are what you make them. Make 'em good, yeah?

YOLO!!

You only live once, so go out and live it up! Right?

People tend to take this philosophy and use it to justify any and all impulsive, sensual behavior. However, because of the truths I've learned as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I believe that we only live forever once (so.... YOLFO, I guess).

Why is this an important distinction?

Does this imply that we have an unlimited amount of time to "get it right"?
If so, what incentive is there for working so hard to avoid mistakes that often appear to be so pleasurable?

I specifically have sexual purity on my mind today. Why do I want to save physical intimacy for marriage?

Thesis: Because God's work and glory is to bring to pass the "immortality and eternal life of man" (Moses 1:39) through the family unit, the true joy that can be experienced through physical intimacy can only be experienced when we exercise this gift in harmony with God's purpose. 

It is essential to understand our purpose if we are to understand the purpose of physical intimacy.

Our ability to create life is truly a gift and great responsibility given to us from God. To have a body capable of procreation is a miraculous ability that comes after and increases intimacy between two people. Intimacy and sex are not the same thing. Charles, a single, 28 year-old man, is used to exemplify this in Lauer's "Marriage and Family". Charles was living up his single, promiscuous lifestyle when he realized this and tried to change:

"I'm in a kind of limbo right now. I have dated some women, and I am starting to develop a relationship with one that I think may lead to what I need. In any case, I know that I can't let sex be a deterrent to intimacy anymore. I know what I need. And I know that I can't get it in a one-night stand."

Physical intimacy is the ultimate "physical touch" (see RAM post). It is the ultimate physical commitment to someone. Then why should it proceed the promise to be with someone for life and for eternity? Commitment and self-control are lacking in pre-marital sex. God cannot bless us with divine joy under such conditions. We deny ourselves of joy, contentment, peace, and satisfaction when we refuse to deny ourselves of this "pleasure" prematurely.

This, I believe, is the difference between physical intimacy outside of marriage and within marriage: pleasure vs. joy

President Spencer W. Kimball, the 12th president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, further explained the organization and purpose of marriage saying, “The Lord organized the whole program in the beginning with a father who procreates, provides, and loves and directs, and a mother who conceives and bears and nurtures and feeds and trains. The Lord could have organized it otherwise but chose to have a unit with responsibility and purposeful associations.”

Men and Women were designed to work together from the beginning. Our work is based on the Lord's plan for the family-- His plan for our happiness and salvation. In uniting ourselves with that perfect plan, we come to understand the sanctity of our procreative powers as well as the joy that those powers bring when they are used appropriately.

You're Different. Thank Goodness!

Couples on their way to divorce have 10 areas of significant incompatibility.
Couples who are very happy have 10 areas of significant incompatibility.

                       WHAT!!

Yeah, they're the same statistics. So what's the difference?

Even after you find your perfect significant other (similar interests, ideas, values, religious beliefs, etc.), the chances of your seeing eye to eye all the time are slim to none. Personally, I think it would be terribly boring if this were the case. What would we learn! Very little. Good thing we're all different. How, then, do we make these "incompatibilities" or differences work for us? How do we see the learning experience in the challenge?

• Communication
• Acceptance
• Accommodation

These three things are the difference between those couples who divorce because of their differences and those who enjoy deep, lasting happiness. This is how we learn from one another. 

• TALK TO EACH OTHER!! Actions might speak louder than words, but it's those vocal undertones that clarify the action. In a loving way, talk about your concerns and things that bother you.

• Accept your differences as just that-- differences. The wonderful thing about people? We're always changing. 

• Make compromised changes based on love. Recognize the needs and wants of the other person and make accommodations accordingly. 

The marriage counsel site, "Marriage Gems" discusses the subject saying,

"Couples may believe that conflict causes divorce, but actually the opposite is true.Smart Marriages, the educational organization run by CMFCE, reports that “the number-one predictor of divorce is the habitual avoidance of conflict.” Early in a marriage, couples may feel that to stay in love they need to agree, be quiet, not fight. In a more mature marriage, couples may avoid conflict because it quickly gets out of hand, either leading to blow-ups or at least one partner shutting down. “Successful couples are those who know how to discuss their differences in ways that actually strengthen their relationship and improve intimacy,” says Sollee."

After you've recognized, discussed, accepted, and made accommodations. Don't focus on your differences! Focusing on the difficult, negative, or differences will naturally tear your relationship apart. Focus on what you have in common, the things that brought you together in the first place. An awareness (rather than a focus or fear) of differences helps to remove them as obstacles while you're enjoying all the things you love about each other.

                    La vie d'amour!

R.A.M.

The R.A.M. (Relationship Attachment Model), developed by John Van Epp, presents 5 main ways that people bond with one another. I wish I had been taught this 10 years ago! It definitely would have helped my relationships be a little healthier. Better late than never though, right? Its how these specific bonding experiences interrelate that was particularly interesting to me, but for starters, here are the 5 ways we bond (you can take inventory of how well "bonded" you are to the people you care about by answering the questions):

1) KNOW: How much do you know about each other's traditions, personalities, families, interests, and beliefs?

2) TRUST: How comfortable are you sharing personal information and secrets with one another?

3) RELY: Are you comfortable testing out that trust? Can you rely on that person to help you and take care of things for you (i.e. your beloved gold fish, an errand you forgot to run, a responsibility you need help with)?

4) COMMIT: Do you feel dedicated to the relationship (on any level)? Or is a little turbulence in your relationship going to send it tumbling?  

5) TOUCH: Touch (anything from holding hands to nursing a baby) creates feelings of attachment. Do you "touch" in meaningful, appropriate ways that match your commitment to the relationship? 

Touch creates powerful feelings of attachment and is intentionally last on the list. It should be a physical demonstration of how well you know, trust, rely on, and are committed to a person. This is why this physical affection, when jumped straight into without the previous 4 steps, results in shallow, unstable relationships. In fact, Van Epp suggests that everything starts with knowing someone and then trickles down from there: 

 This representation means:

1. Never trust someone more than you know them
2. Never rely on someone more than you trust them
3. Never commit to someone more than you can rely on them
4. Never touch someone more than you're committed to them

This seems so obvious after it was spelled out for me! But I'm definitely guilty of not balancing these things properly. In fact, many relationships (at least the ones that are DOOMED TO FAIL!!!... ha just kidding. but maybe?) skip straight to the last step because touching makes them feel like they know and are attached to a person. It creates a false sense of commitment (usually in the girl because of a wonderful chemical called oxytocin) built on a sandy or non-existent foundation. It never works out!!!

Moral of the story: KNOW, TRUST, RELY, COMMIT, and then TOUCH if you want a strong, healthy, satisfying relationship like this wonderful couple on the Beallair Community website (which looks wonderful, by the way, if you're looking for a large, expensive home in Washington D.C.).

"We can all agree that kids are better off when they are in Scouting . . ."

This statement has been repeated several times through press conferences, interviews, and official statements by the Boy Scouts of America. Many are agreeing. Many are disagreeing. 

In case you're not sure what I'm referring to . . . On Thursday, May 23rd, 2013, the Boy Scouts of America National Counsel took in roughly 1400 votes concerning their policy about youth who are openly gay. Regardless of their sexual orientation, all youth will now be able to participate in the program. The decision will be officially implemented January 2014. Their policy on leaders remains the same. (The LA Times provided a nice, brief summary) 

I find myself conflicted in how to react to this change in policy. Scouting is a wonderful program that has changed thousands, even millions of lives. My dad has proudly participated in the program for most of his life from youth to leader. Though, as a girl, I've never been a boy scout (weird, right?), I've seen the good that it has done for my father and the young men that I know. It is an invaluable program. Many are questioning what BSA stands for now, though. 

Does this change in policy fundamentally change what Scouting is? What it stands for? Have they really bent their principles and "marred their image" as some have suggested? I'm not sure. It depends on who you talk to. So... I started researching. My research is based on a variety of sources that I found reliable and helpful, but I am genuinely interested in your sources and opinions. I think that this policy change is a historical event that we should take interest in whether or not we are involved with Scouting. It is based on an issue that is causing conflict in families and, thus, society. Please feel free to share your thoughts. Respectfully, por favor. 

Here are some of the things I've taken into account and questions I've asked: 

A Los Angeles Times article quoted two men opposed to the change, saying:

"Frank Page, president of the Southern Baptist Convention Executive Committee, issued a statement: 'We are deeply saddened that the voting delegates of the Boy Scouts of America overturned their constitutionally protected expressive message that homosexual behavior is incompatible with the principles enshrined in the Scout Oath and Scout Law. ... Our sadness for the Scouting organization as a whole cannot be overstated.'"

"Jonathan Saenz, president of the Austin-based conservative advocacy group Texas Values, which organized a protest outside the annual meeting, called the vote a 'tragic decision' that showed the Boy Scouts had “chosen to place sex and politics above its timeless principles.'"

Was this an alteration of the principles Scouting was founded on? Has it compromised the morality of the program?

To read the full statement from the Boy Scouts of America, visit their webite, but this is a portion of it:

 "The Boy Scouts of America will not sacrifice its mission, or the youth served by the movement, by allowing the organization to be consumed by a single, divisive, and unresolved societal issue. As the National Executive Committee just completed a lengthy review process, there are no plans for further review on this matter."While people have different opinions about this policy, we can all agree that kids are better off when they are in Scouting. Going forward, our Scouting family will continue to focus on reaching and serving youth in order to help them grow into good, strong citizens. America's youth need Scouting, and by focusing on the goals that unite us, we can continue to accomplish incredible things for young people and the communities we serve."

CNN quoted the 103-year old organization saying, 

"The resolution also reinforces that Scouting is a youth program, and any sexual conduct, whether heterosexual or homosexual, by youth of Scouting age is contrary to the virtues of Scouting,"

Matthew 22:37-40 says:

“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, this is the first and great commandment.
“And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.” [Matthew 22:37–40.]

How do we best do this?

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, who has had a strong, long-standing relationship with BSA, said in a statement April 25th,

"The current BSA proposal constructively addresses a number of important issues that have been part of the on-going dialogue including consistent standards for all BSA partners, recognition that Scouting exists to serve and benefit youth rather than Scout leaders, a single standard of moral purity for youth in the program, and a renewed emphasis for Scouts to honor their duty to God. 

"We are grateful to BSA for their careful consideration of these issues. We appreciate the positive things contained in this current proposal that will help build and strengthen the moral character and leadership skills of youth as we work together in the future.” 

From what I can understand, BSA has moved to try and have a positive influence on all youth who have a desire to be involved in Scouting, whatever their beliefs or sexual orientation. I believe their intent was good. I'm just not sure what the implications of this action are? Where is this leading? Or is it strictly something that's trying to benefit the youth of America? 

We are all children of a God that loves us unconditionally. This does not mean He endorses all activities. For me, I keep asking the ultimate Christian question: WWJD? What would Jesus do? 

What do you think? What implications does this have for the youth? For the parents? For families? For America?

Now that's classy...

This is the land of opportunity! Opportunity to do what?
       Well, today I'm taking the opportunity to express myself in the most jumbled, confusing, non-            grammatical way possible, because that's what I love about America. We can do that.

Recently in my Family Relations class, we discussed social class and the effect that it has on families. What kind of range in values, perspectives, attitudes, resources, and opportunities is there? How does this effect a family?

"The American Dream", as it probably should, has taken some heat lately. In a land that promotes increase, progression, improvement, and idealism. Many of our citizens are not feeling the endless American possibilities working for them. The U.S. Census Bureau has found that 1 in every 6 Americans is now living in poverty. Over 146 million of our people are either "poor" or "low income". Twenty percent of American children are living in poverty. One out of every three children live in a home without a father.

These statistics are only a small taste of the economic issues in America, but even they seem to be hard to swallow. It's difficult to watch people suffer. It's difficult to watch people be indifferent to that suffering. In all the overwhelming difficulty that the media lavishly spreads across its headlines,

                what can we do about it?


So Today, I don't actually want to discuss statistics.  I want you to think about them and (if you so choose) watch these clips from the documentary "People Like Us: Social Class in America" to learn more about how social class divides the American people and often American families.

o   WASP

o   Belles

o   Friends in low Places

o   Joe Queenan's Kitchenwares Tour

o   How to Marry the Rich

o   All you need is Cash

o   Gnomes are Us

o   Trouble in Paradise

Today, I want to focus on the positive. I want to see the bright side of America.

The media has us convinced that we're hopelessly and helplessly falling apart. Are we? We might be? They say statistics don't lie. But what truth are they telling? What action are they calling us to?

Focusing on the negative has done little more for us than rile up politicians, news reporters, and citizens. The government is always to blame. When did the government-- meaning the suits in Washington D.C.-- become America? When did we become unaccountable for the current state of our nation?

We are America. It's about time we started acting like it.
               The first amendment in the Bill of Rights:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

What wonderful freedoms we have! What wonderful opportunities that simple amendment allows us! We have the freedom to assemble together, openly exchange our thoughts and opinions, print those thoughts and opinions for others to read, and create change within our government-- within OURSELVES. 

We are the government. It's about time we started acting like it. 

                  Gandhi wisely stated the bright side: 

“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.”

The Bright Side is: We can change. Acknowledge the poverty, the suffering, and faults of our society. Then proactively change the world by being a better individual. Give someone who's frowning something to smile about. Share your bounty with those who go without. Provide those who are distressed with another route. Enlighten other's souls when their light has gone out. . . . Yep, that was cheesy rhyming, and I liked it.

There is good in this world. 

There is hope for us. 

There is hope for our families. 

There is hope for America. 

Are our circumstances who we are? Whether that's upper class, middle class, lower class-- no. Have some more human class today. Look at the bright side. Change. 

              Now that's classy.

Roles: What's yours?

Do you play a specific role in your family? Are you the younger brother that riles everyone up? Are you the oldest child that enforces order? Are you the sister that patiently listens to every side of the story? Are you the dad that keeps the mood light and enjoyable?

Do our roles change?

Do we change within our roles?

Are these roles healthy? And do they contribute to making a familia entera?

What is your role? 

Have you ever felt trapped in a role?

One of the wonderful aspects of humanity is our capacity for change. We do not have to be the same person today that we were yesterday. We can be better. This is where I think roles can be a dangerous thing. While our strengths and weaknesses often allow us to fall into certain roles, we should never feel limited in who we are. The "black sheep" of the family is more than a trouble maker. The "angel child" is allowed be human. The mom is more than a chef and maid. The dad is more than a financial provider. This may seem obvious, but how often do we cling to certain roles because we feel like that is who we are? I'm not saying we can't play roles in our family, but they should be flexible and liberating, not constricting or degrading.

While the website itself is fairly basic and semi-nonprofessional, joyfulfamilies.org defines what I believe family roles should be based on-- creating unity. When each member of a family is working towards unity, the family develops an energy that stays with children even after they leave home. Each member of the family has an "aura" and brings a certain energy into the "family-being" (a collective energy or field of consciousness). While the words have a Buddhist feel that's often discounted as "hippie love" or "granola lifestyle"-- whatever you want to call it-- the idea behind the words is powerful. Think of the general feeling of your family? Is it comfortable? Safe? Chaotic? Dramatic? Indifferent? . . . What makes it that way? The relationship of the parents is especially emphasized in the joyfulfamilies website because they are more aware and in control of the aura they bring to a family. This aura is created based on the intentions we have and the things we pay attention to.

Intention and Attention. It's key.

It's essential that we become acutely aware of the things that we're teaching our children. What morals do you want your children to learn? The things you pay the most attention to are the things your children will identify as your priorities. What are those things?

Our role as a family member-- sister, brother, mother, father, aunt, uncle, grandma, grandpa-- is to become aware of what kind of energy we're bring into our family and how it influences our family-being. Become aware of that energy and then work to shape it positively. Doing this could mean a variety of things. 

I participate in a weekly "Luminary Discussion Group" (click here to learn more) that discusses what wholeness is and how we can be more whole. This week we discussed wholeness in the family. I wanted to share a few different ideas (based off of mistakes we found we were making) for creating a positive family-being:

• Let go of the need to fix things: Be a leader, a source of guidance, and a pillar of support. Allow people to make their own decisions and learn from the consequences. 
• Realize that we're all human: It's especially important to accept that YOU are human. You make mistakes. Take those imperfections and work with them. 
• Ask for help: Be willing to be honest with yourself and others when you're struggling. Often times, people willingly offer relief, guidance, and support. 

These are aspects of roles that we all have. What other things can we do to fill healthy family roles and create a healthy, whole environment for our families to grow and learn?

Human Capital: The World Economic Staple

Parents insist they love all of their children equally for different reasons. Teachers preach that everyone is special in their own way. Church meetings welcome everyone as a unique individual with potential. Politicians repeatedly promise they have everyone's diverse needs on their agenda. Girls pat each other on the back saying, "Girl, forget him. You deserve so much better," after a breakup. Boys slap each other on the rear saying, "Dude, you got this," before plays in a big football game. Grandmothers will forever pinch our cheeks saying, "Well, aren't you just the cutest!"

Why?

         Because it's truth.

Okay, maybe not all truth, but the underlying principle is. We all have value. We all have different cards to bring to the table. Some of us have acquired more cards, skill, or experience than others; regardless, when 2+ people get together, they have substantially more human capital than a lone individual.

A couple books that I've recently read illuminate the value of human capital and interaction:

Jonah Lehrer explores the creative benefits, one form of human capital, that come from our interaction with one another in his novel  Imagine . Even the exposure to another's human capital seems to produce powerfully innovative results. Lehrer quotes Geoffrey West, a former physicist at Standford University and Los Alamos National Laboratory, saying, "When people come together they become much more productive per capita. They exchange more ideas and generate more innovations. What's truly amazing is how predictable this is." This is why cities, he argues, are the most important invention in human history. This is why, I argue, the family is the most important institution within those cities. Family's are the garden for the growth of human capital. Others may say that it's in the education system. I say that the family is the education system. As I stated in my previous post, the home is where we learn to learn.

The Alchemist, by Paulo Coehlo, presents some intriguing insights on the value of each person. "Each person forms its own exact function a unique beings . . . It is we who nourish the Soul of the World, and the world we live in will be either better or worse, depending on whether we become better or worse." Where does an individual first learn to become better or worse? In the home. In the Family. Our society will become better or worse depending on what we teach our children.

The innovation, morals, work ethic, social skills, resourcefulness, and resilience-- a few elements of human capital-- originate in the home. These are the elements that drive our economy and society forward. People are our greatest resource. Why, then, are we bringing less of them into the world?

Demographers have come out with some frightening statistics about declining fertility rates. While the world population continues to rise-- a result of lengthened lifespans-- birthrates have dramatically decreased. As our older generation begins to die off, our population will peak and then is predicted to steadily decline. Just as population can exponentially growth, it can exponentially decrease. Are we to fear extinction??? No... that's a little dramatic, but one thing we do have to fear is social and economic decline. You see, a decline in people means a decline in human capital-- a decline in innovation, work force, support, and skill diversity.

Dr. Paul Ehrlich promoted the idea of declining population in 1968 as the author of The Population Bomb. He alerted the world to the possibilities of extreme pollution, devastating environmental degradation, and mass starvation as a result of overpopulation. The effects of overpopulation, according to Ehrlich, would surely destroy the world if we reached 5 billion people. Did Ehrlich's predictions come to pass? In short, no. We're sitting at a comfortable 7 billion people right now. Is there pollution? Yes. Is there environmental degradation? Yes. Is there starvation? Yes. But human capital is at an all time high. The technology boom is one obvious example. It has made information more available than it has ever been. Communication and interaction has been taken from a local to a world wide scale for anyone with a computer or telephone. Ideas are being exchanged at a rate that Ehrlich would not have believe even if he had seen it coming. New, promising solutions to age old problems are being explored. These are the results of increased population, increased human capital.

Producing human capital comes down to having children and rearing them in a positive home environment. This positive home environment will be repeatedly explored in future posts. If you would like to know more about the fertility decline, its causes and effects, and how it's linked to a decline in families and children, please visit this link for a fabulous documentary: Demographic Winter.

And finally, for your enjoyment, Let's Get Together.

Family is

love, unity, strength, hope, tears, laughter, joy, sorrow, hugs, kisses, punches, apologies, support, respect, fun... but mostly love 

This is me. 

This is my family.  

My family is my home. 

Home is with my family.

The school where we learn to learn 

  The playground where we imagine and discover 

    The sanctuary where we confess and confide

       The work environment where we sweat and struggle

          The laboratory where we experiment and fail

             The jungle where we adventure and endure

                The business where we risk and gain

                   The garden where we toil and grow

                      The fortress that withstands and makes free

                         The shelter that provides and protects

                            The center of our existence.

               WHY?

The Importance of Family

L. Tom Perry 

of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

April 2003

"We need to make our homes a place of refuge from the storm, which is increasing in intensity all about us. Even if the smallest openings are left unattended, negative influences can penetrate the very walls of our homes."

My own family is... futuristic. How futuristic? Only heaven knows. I've spent my life learning about families. I mean... I grew up in one. A fairly functional one- as families come. I should know everything, right? Maybe not... What do I want to be a part of my family? What don't I want to be a part of my family. I am really in the midst of my pre-family adventure. I'm learning what success in the family means. Why do we need families? What purpose do they serve? What purpose should they serve? How do we fulfill these purposes? Ultimately, What makes a family whole? ¿Una familia entera? As I explore the idea of familial unity and wholeness, constructive feedback, comments, and critiques are welcomed. 

Consider this the ribbon cutting, the ceremonial snip, of my "Familia Entera" adventure via blog.

                                 

                                                  *snip*